Stop the Bullying: Love Keeps No Record of Wrongs

Love.  It isn't rude. It doesn't think about itself. It isn't irritable. 

It doesn't keep track of wrongs.

I Corinthians 13:5

Go ahead.  Out them.  

You have a group of them, don't you?  They lurk, waiting to make an appearance when they can exhibit their strength, their power over you.  You know what it feels like, that in-the-past wrong-doing committed by your husband at your expense.  The giant debit column.  The list of wrongs.  The gang of bullies in an otherwise congenial community of experiences.

The irritations, annoyances, hurts, and painful memories attached to my husband over the years can get to me (if I let them).  I don't have a list in my head that I can rattle off on command, and most of the time, I don't remember a single negative occurrence.  But, once in a while, such as when other women complain about their husbands, or when an everyday occurrence triggers a memory, they can get to me -- if I let them have the chance.  If I give them that kind of power.

That bully metaphor?  Think about it.  It has "mean, inconsiderate husband" written all over it.  In real life, a bully has power over me when I allow him to intimidate me with words or with physical threat.  Our children have experienced bullying, and what do we tell them to do?  We ply them with a consistent list of anti-bullying measures:  

• pray for your enemy - for good things to come to him
• try to ignore his antics repeatedly until he loses interest/goes away
• stand up for yourself -- say something in response
• get help from someone in authority if you feel you are in danger

These same measures work for me as a wife, struggling against the bullying of Satan as he attempts to exert power over me in my marriage.  He wants nothing more than to rule over or destroy what God has created, and ... have you noticed what has happened to marriage lately?  Have you ever heard of more turmoil and seen more divorce or separation than you do in these modern, progressive, technologically advanced times? 

The Bible and its guiding principles don't read as modern or progressive or technologically advanced, but if you have Divine Guidance in reading it, studying it and praying about it, you have something timeless and that means it keeps up with the times.

God's word follows us into these modern times with consistent measures that work -- if we will put them to use.  When we guide our children, we do the same thing, providing them with guidance that will serve them all their lives, if only they respect it and remember it.  Our instruction will never fail them, when given with positive outcomes in mind.  In other words, it will work for them if it does not focus on restitution, vengeance, self-indulgence or self-righteousness, but on what is just and right.

Hmmmm.  Biblical!

Do yourself some good.  Oust those bullies in your brain.  You know they hide in there, that group of sneering no-goods that have perfect timing, never get caught and often turn up to join the fray in an argument or in that group of friends or coworkers who seem to feel vindicated when sharing the lows of their marriages, rather than the highs.  

Those antibullying measures work against the negative feelings and hurts.  Those bullying forces that play with my senses, encouraging me to revisit pain, to keep opening wounds that have begun to heal, to allow Satan a foot in the door to my thoughts and feelings -- they all need to go.  

The approach look like this.  I think you'll recognize it:

• pray for your enemy - for good things to come to him.  This means praying for protection against your own mind, and asking God to help you refocus on what good things your marriage has brought you, looking for the positives in your husband and praying for any healing and for conviction of sin that may exist -- in both of you.  It also means forgiving your husband for those past hurts.  Doing so helps free you from the power they hold over you.
• try to ignore his antics repeatedly until he loses interest/goes away.  This means don't take the bait.  When you recognize a trigger that brings out the bad, don't give in to it.  Turn another direction, become interested in something else.  Don't let the negatives have any of your attention.  Pray. 
• stand up for yourself -- say something in response.  A good "get thee behind me Satan!" does wonders.  Say it out loud, silently command it in your mind.  Research a Bible verse that brings you peace and comfort and trot it out in front of the Enemy.  God's word has more power than the Evil One ever will, as long as we remember to use it.  In the Armor of God (Ephesians 6), the Word (Bible and its contents) is the Sword of the Spirit for a good reason.  Use it for good.
• get help from someone in authority if you feel you are in danger.  This would be God.  Turn to Him in prayer and pour it all out to him.  The wrongs of a spouse, if we don't forgive them, will fester and can cause us to sin (turning away from spouse, turning to another person for comfort, act out wrongly, have harsh thoughts).  If you really find yourself tortured by bullying memories and , find a godly human guide who will help you through in a way that honors God and your marriage.  No gossip allowed, no slandering, no rehearsing of wrongs, and no opposite-sex mentors.

There you have it.  When you take the time to train yourself to a better approach, your mind begins to follow more readily.  One day, you may find that list of wrongs balled up in a corner of your mind.  You may never forget them completely, but you will know better than to flatten the paper and reread it.

When you fill more pages with the good stuff of marriage -- because that's what you choose to focus on -- you will want to celebrate that, instead.

How have you turned away bullying thoughts in your life about your husband or marriage?  What's your "go to" Bible verse?  What does your husband do that really floats your boat?

The Work Stress Effect on Marriage

I firmly believe that some people do not feel a great deal of pressure from their source of income.  In other words, some folks don't suffer work stress, or much of it.  Maybe they just know how to handle it, and it rolls like water off a duck's back.

I did not marry one of those people.  I did not realize this until later in our life -- but it had been there all the time.  I had cues and clues, but no clear category under which to place them, until finally, everything added up and I found "work stress" as the answer.

It's a beastly thing, if you have it, or if your husband suffers from it.

Naming it, owning it, discussing it and finding alternate avenues of handling it took years for us.  Don't let it take that long for you.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  ~~Matthew 11:28-29

When Stress Comes to Stay

Never did I realize how purposefully God moves until several years into marriage, when I realized how much stress my husband carries daily, and that I have an important role in that stress ... to help relieve it.

However, in our first few years of marriage, I didn't recognize the way stress built in him -- I simply couldn't understand his behavior.  I worked, too, in those years, and every Sunday night I felt the mania that a looming Monday morning brings to so many nine-to-fivers in the working world.

While I could shed the irritations and aggravations of the work day,  my husband continued to wear his.  I thought he just didn't have any desire to relate to me and often wore his heart on his sleeve along with a chip on his shoulder, when really, his feelings of stress multiplied and coated him in layers.  Within a few years of working his first job, he had wore a cloak of stress as his main wardrobe item ... and it clashed with everything.

Hanging back, not wanting to irritate him, I didn't ask many questions.  When I did, he didn't have enough experience with his working world self to understand how much work weighed on him.  Any irritation he felt he often placed on me.  

Sufferers of stress often place blame on those unaffiliated with the stress and a spouse sits as Target #1. Always there and easy to hit.  Unrelated to the source of stress, a wife brings on a different kind of stress:  dependence on love, need for emotional give and take, a share in the financial gain from the stress source (job), and the living day to day with irritating methods of toothpaste tube folding,  taking all the covers at night, and wanting to have a life that does not take place in front of the television or computer screen.

When job stress takes over, the little irritations grow to the size of Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade balloons without warning.

I didn't catch onto the fact that his temper flared easily beginning on Sunday morning.  I didn't realize that his lack of enthusiasm for any activity I suggested lay in his long-time habit of worrying about the upcoming week well in advance. This tendency overpowered his capacity for diversion and joy, and I did not have a concept of how to effectively redirect his attention from those worries or to stop from adding to them inadvertently.

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?  ~~Matthew 6:25-27

The Void Faith Should Fill

Work stress becomes a habit and worsens in a personality that has no outlet for it.  It feeds on itself and on every activity outside its usual domain that requires planning, social/family interaction, financial input, or infringement on "free" time.  The hardest habit to break in a work-stressed husband is the "escape factor" -- zoning on mindless activities that lead nowhere for long periods of time (electronics, television, gaming).  The man I married inherited his inability to handle stress (not at all or ineffectively), and learned how to react (panic, anger, worry, negative thoughts, diversion, escape) instead of act (solve problems, think positively, pray, manage resources, engage in physical activity), probably before birth.  Because I did not grow up with that kind of pressure from the inside out, I did not come equipped to combat it.

God would have been our answer, and would have filled the void we both had at that time in our marriage.  We did not invite him in ... or rather, we did not let him out of the church at our wedding.

We did not have a faith hold in the early years of our marriage, and it showed.  We struggle and we flailed wildly in all directions, hoping to hit a moving target we could not identify.  We made it through with lots of emotional baggage which we carried for years.  We worked together, commuted together and spent most of our time together, and while we enjoyed much of it, I had the role of talking him down from the ledge whenever an attack of stress hit -- and my methods became predictable and distasteful ... and added to his stress level.

We did not talk about stress or how to manage it because we didn't realize that was the answer to the questions we didn't ask.  Neither of us prayed, and we felt the invincibility of the 20-something years.  Physical ailments and hard economic choices hadn't touched us.  We hadn't had any run-ins with dire circumstances.  The false feeling of "can do" no matter what or how large the challenge ruled in our lives.  Faith, though I called myself a Christian, had no role in our individual lives.

We stayed together because we had vowed to, didn't think we had another option, and figured if we fought hard enough for our own individual versions of "right", someone would win.  Neither of us would give up or give in, and neither of us would give up our desire to be right.

We earned our scars.

In future years, as hardships involving finances, child-bearing woes, job changes, and forced separations due to work travel entered our lives, God began to squeeze in, too.  He's merciful like that.


Categorizing Stress and Containing It

As difficulties crossed our path or entered our lives and put down roots, we struggled against each other harder.  I had the answers and so did he, and few of them matched.  Life had to hit us several times before we could see the whole picture ... that so many areas of life don't need to be scheduled or require back-up, and most of the good things happen when we don't feel like doing anything more than collapsing from mental exhaustion.  We have to let our hearts fill with good things to build a strong framework of positive outlook and possibility, rather than look at each day as just another purveyor of doom and gloom, and someone else's emergencies.

Work stress still happens, but the life events that have taken place anyway have framed it better.  Work will always offer stressful situations and my husband will always bring the level head in handling other people's emergencies.

My husband had to have knee surgery in order to feel what "no stress" feels like.  He had to take a month away from work to remember how it feels to sleep through the night and to sit back and enjoy his children and his life.  He had to leave the office to realize that mindless or repetitive escape activities served only to fill time and alienate people.  He had to turn in the wrong directions in order to experience the grace and mercy of the Right Direction.

Now, 20-plus years past those years of struggle and confusion built on lack of understanding and short experience, we have the stressors named.

- work
- financial stability 
- lack of real rest - sleeping well, but also having recreation ... something to do that has a product or a definite positive effect on life, and is measurable in some way.  Hobbies, exercise, family time, etc., make the difference between purposeful and wasted time.  These things allow for mental rest, even though they require attention and focus.  They offer a different kind of "stress", and ease the unhealthy pressures.
- feeling faithless - as we learn more about faith and put it to work, stress decreases.  Faithlessness puts more pressure on self, to succeed and to provide and to maintain life independently.  Growing faith reverses those pressures.


The Fix

- God.  The Customer Service Professional.  Go to Him first.
- the Bible.  No self-help book exists that will offer answers to carry a work-stressed person over the course of a working lifetime like the Bible.  To enhance the experience, prayer has a direct line to the Author for questions and feedback  (Tweet, if you like).   No self-help writer can beat that.  Go there.  It works.
- prayer - as the wife of the work-stressed husband, this has led me to find new ways to meet the stress head-on, to divert my husband's learned behavior of "zoning", and to encourage him in multiple ways every day.  Without prayer and growing faith, I could not be the help-meet in this situation.  Because of prayer, I have power, and my husband has the blessing of it.

He gives power to the weak

and strength to the powerless.

Even youths will become weak and tired,

and young men will fall in exhaustion.

But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.

They will soar high on wings like eagles.

They will run and not grow weary.

They will walk and not faint.

~~Isaiah 40:29-31

Coming to Terms with Stress

Struggling with stress may never completely.  Going back to the "fixes", of turning to God, reading the Bible for answers and review, and an intent prayer life will improve it to whatever degree the stressed person and you, his wife, will help him achieve.  You are his help-meet, and that doesn't mean just handing him tools for fixing the faucet, or making sure he eats healthy foods -- it means guiding him when one of his rudders is broken or when his compass is off.  It means carrying through while he is carrying on in a state of confusion.  It means never giving up on him.

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.  ~~Jeremiah 29:11

Your experience with work stress may not have the all-encompassing qualities that my husband has experienced.  It may come and go, or run in predictable stints.  No matter how it happens, the fixes work.

You live these trials to understand the experience.  Name them to get a grasp of what they do and how they affect life.  Then, fix them.  You have the Book and the Author at your disposal, and you will find no better source of help.


What is your experience with work stress?  How have you combatted it with God's help?  What advice would you offer to those struggling with it?

Why I Like My Husband

Inside jokes between husbands and wives make for some hilarious moments, but my favorite one doesn't make me laugh, it makes me feel richly blessed.  It connects me to my husband in a way that feel unique.  It inspired us twenty-two years ago, and still inspires us today.

Before we married, my husband and I shared "I love you" back and forth the way we express "thank you," now. Often, and for just about everything.  One day, as we shared some quiet time, doing nothing but feeling the rapture of togetherness, I broke the silence with,

He bought me this book for Christmas.  It has all sorts of interesting
"like" reasons in it ... and they hit the spot!

"I like you."

The man I would soon marry turned abruptly toward me and insisted, "Yeah, well, I love you."

I smiled into laughter, which caught him even more off guard.  He thought he had one-upped me!  That laughter led to one of the most interesting discussions we have ever had.  We talked about the difference between "like" and "love" in our relationship.  In a marriage relationship.  And I wanted to impress upon him -- and upon you -- the difference.

The Bible commands us to love one another. this is the brotherly love we share as humans. Friendship quality love.  Phileo, in the Greek. We are to love everyone, and show that love in treating others well.  Obviously, the kind of love we reserve for our spouses differs and it should differ greatly, in Greek it reads "eros", or romantic love, being a much more intimate brand of love, tended with great care.  Marriage is our ultimate relationship, next to God.  It requires more of us than any other relationship, for the lifetime of the couple.

Big.

Then, there's "like."

My like list is long and diverse.  Music - almost all genres.  Cake.  Kayaking.  Knitting.  Travel.  Sunrises.  Snow.  Hardwood floors.  Baking Rolling farmland.  Cutting grass.  And so forth and so on, all the way to "my husband."  He's a good egg.

God did not say we have to like everyone.  How can we like what everyone else does, how they act, what they believe, where they spend their time or how they respond to us?  Sometimes we have run-ins with people during which, no matter how hard we try and no matter how well our godly armor fits -- we falter and we fail.  God puts us on the same path as others sometimes, I think, because we need a lesson or two in getting along.  Smooth waters don't teach a person to sail, it's the roughness and storms that bring skill.  So it goes with people.

And so, "I like you," comes as a high compliment.  It goes to a different depth than love, as well as to a different place.  When I experience "like" I know it.  Only my husband has the level of "like" that labels him in my life.  When I bestowed a well-placed like on the man all those years ago, I, in effect, branded him as top of the heap in my box of earthly treasures. 

He hits the spot in my mind, heart and soul.  His idiosyncrasies intrigue me.  His sense of humor still surprises me in its scope and timing.  His Energizer Bunny ability to just keep going causes me to marvel.  He zigs to my zag, and weaves his way through the playground of moods I swing without seeming to mind.  He asks questions about faith, about women, about raising children, about cooking, and about me. He reaches for me in the night.  He doesn't mind if I don't have supper ready.  He can run electrical and plumbing lines whenever or wherever we need them.  He can do math -- the hard stuff.  He can't spell.  He knows I hate to be tickled, but loves how I react to it.  He asks me to do Google searches for him because I'm better at it.  He insists he hates cats but worries about the two we have as pets.  He has a gentle touch.  He doesn't like cream cheese but loves carrot cake (with cream cheese icing).

I like my husband. His list of attributes mean something important to me, complement my own, and make him "the one" for me.

Love runs separately.  It does not depend on likeability.  I could love my husband without his sense of humor.  I could love him even if he minded when my moods run high.  I could love him without his handyman abilities.

I love him by what I do for him.  That's how anyone loves her husband, by serving, by considering his preferences and his needs, and setting herself the goal of meeting them.  Love does.  Love acts.  Love puts itself out there for the good of the other, whereas "like" is relative.  Subjective. 

Get it?  Liking a husband requires a category all to itself.  The like I have for the man I married lies in him ... what he shows me on the surface and deeper than that.  Yet, take away any of those things and love still exists.

Like your husband.  Doing so expands your horizon in how you love him.  Liking him lets you love him better because it gives you more definitive categories with which to work.

What nifty things do you like about your husband?  How do his "like" points help you serve him better?  Love him well?

 

Working Marriage Overtime

Whew!  It's the end of the day.  You have worked, cooked, cleaned, monitored homework, refereed arguments, greeted your husband, talked about your day, solved problems, paid bills, loaded the dishwasher and now the day draws to a close.  You have hit your comfortable spot on the couch and don't want to move.  A cup of tea, your favorite television show or book.  Ahhh.  Relaxation, at last.

Then someone wants-needs-asks something more from you.  Ugh!  Really?

As a wife, as a mother, as a member of a family, you usually find a way to move from that comfy spot to assist as requested.  I would like to say I do so without grumbling, but at the end of one of those "I don't remember ever sitting down today" days, I have let out a little (a loud) complaint or shown some (a lot of) annoyance at the interruption.

Wife, mom, woman ... human.  Weakness happens.  We can't do everything, but usually, we can do more than we think, and definitely more than we want.  We should set aside self and serve those we love, whether that love be by vow and commitment or by birth, not to mention by the sharing of  human characteristics.

That means we put everyone else first, not just those who share our home, our family ties or our friendship. 

For now, we'll focus on the one to whom we have committed our love:  our husbands.


Give a Little Bit

Paul writes in Philippians 2:3-12

“Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men."

Counting my husband as more significant than myself equates to selflessness as his mate in life.  Still working on it, I admit, but the trying counts!  Selflessness starts by giving little bits past what we feel like doing, and finding we can give a whole lot more.  Then, giving it. 

In marriage, selflessness means overlooking my desire to sit back and read all evening.  It means checking on the kids tucked in their beds when he asks.  It means staying awake, no matter how tired I am, while he finishes his bedtime routine so we can cuddle and talk before falling asleep. It means standing beside him as he works on home projects, ready to go-fer tools or  to assist as needed.  It means taking care of our home as close to his standards as possible ("House Beautiful" for him, "Country Living" for me) to ensure his comfort. It means knowing when to leave a party based on a twitch of his eyebrows because I see he has tired of social time and longs for home.  It means watching and listening for his return to our living space every evening to start it all over again.  Selflessness means anticipating, preferring, choosing, honoring, revering and focusing my efforts on him.  When I do, we both benefit.

In my case, selflessness also means enduring repetition -- his mainstay and my nemesis.  I do not do repetition well, I do not follow daily or weekly schedules, I fly by the seat of my pants most of the time.  Predictability in life gives my husband comfort, probably because so much of his day lies out of his control.  His comfort means my comfort.  And therein lies any reward I could want.

 Selflessness sits at the pinnacle of the Married Behavior "To Do" list.  If we live it, we will like it.  Taking on a selfless outlook does not mean I will lie across the threshold with "Welcome" printed across me, nor does it indicate giving myself to slavery or misuse in any way.  It means thinking of my husband's well being, his preferences, his desires and his overall needs, as well as the details of his life and being --- and focusing my attention on caring for him in and among those parameters.  It's care-taking of the utmost calling in marriage, and when done well and with an attitude of respect and love, it feels good, right and complimentary to me.  When done with even a hint of resentment, it feels hollow, incomplete and like a chore.


Working Overtime

Marriage takes work, a phrase that repeats often,and for good reason.  'Cause it's TRUE.  It sometimes takes every effort to maintain marriage.  It can require incredible amounts of energy to bring it back from the edge of calamity.  Marriage can demand extreme patience to reframe it with grace, mercy and the care required to pick out the weeds and nurture it as it struggles to grow against the pressures and distractions of the world. It commands every ounce of self-control we have to manage personalities and preferences and not lose sight of the goal.

And when I submits to what marriage requires of wives, I find much ... more ... ease.  Willingly working selflessly for my husband fulfills me, satisfies him, and we find joy, peace, mutual respect, and desire to keep doing more toward receiving the supremely gratifying outcomes of this most important work as a couple.

If I'm going to work overtime, I want it to be at marriage.  The payment I receive for my effort comes through increased intimacy (emotional, physical, mental and spiritual) with my husband, a closer walk with God, a more positive outlook on this life, and a framework for helping others along their own marriage pathways. 

Anyone see a negative anywhere?  If so, point it out, will you? 

What do you think about working for your marriage?  How does selflessness work for you?  Have you tried it?  What's your story?




 

Tales of a Business Traveler's Wife: Pre-Travel Stress

It starts the minute he begins comparing airline ticket costs.  It grows a little more when he makes hotel and car rental reservations.  It multiplies as he rounds up data and prepares presentations for meetings.  It burgeons to it's greatest degree while he hugs and kisses all of us as he rushes out the door to put all of the preparation and planning together.

It's pre-travel stress. 

Traveling creates stress, no matter if it occurs for business or pleasure.  Give me a "whoop" if you have experienced any crankiness or unease when making plans for vacation.  What about when dates available don't match your target dates?  When that last load of laundry just won't dry fast enough?  When questions interrupt thought processes at a pivotal moment?  I feel stress just writing it.


Planning and Preparation Take a Toll

When my husband makes business travel reservations, we all pay here at home.  It's a simple truth that has taken years for us to understand well enough to cha-cha around successfully.  I know that the minute I receive a copy of my husband's travel schedule, he will become quieter, a little sullen and distant, and usually much shorter-tempered.

Pardon the pun, but he and I can temper all of these things.  The biggest obstacle in doing so takes the form of remembering.  Remembering that the planning of  a business trip triggers a whirlpool of negative feelings and outlooks, and then remembering that these reactions offshoot into our everyday life.  Remembering to instruct the children in how to handle the uneasy feelings and unusual reactions around this time, as well as reminding ourselves of these phenomena as the adults in charge.

We need a lifejacket in these times, and this takes the two-layer form of prayer to God and open communication between my husband and me to support us.  When we face the fury with our hatches battened, we understand it better and can control our actions and reactions far more successfully than we used to do.  Pray and talk, pray and talk.  Two steps that go far in gaining a foothold on the stress that tries to pack itself into every nook and cranny of the travel lifestyle.


Pre-Travel Stress Unchecked

For years, my husband suffered not only the stress of impending travel, but of my ignorance of the stress he felt when a trip loomed on the horizon.  I reacted as a victim of the upcoming travel (woe is me) and as a victim of his stress reactions.  When I should have shown sympathy or empathy for his having to uproot and head into the world alone, I showed self-absorption in my own lot in our life. 

Stressors involved in impending business travel can include:

- pressure to keep with status/hierarchy in the business environment
- anxiety over interpersonal relationships in the temporary workplace
- dealing with language barriers (including signage and non-work-related conversation)
- handling of transportation and navigation in unfamiliar territory
- maintaining order of personal belongings and business-related paraphernalia
- keeping up with daily work load in addition to the travel schedule
- loneliness
- knowingly missing activities/events involving children/family
- meeting flights, trains, taxis and scheduled meetings on time
- cultural differences (even within one's home country)
- keeping in touch with family for peace of mind and to fulfill need for connection
- time zone changes

When the business traveler has no confidant (that would be his wife) with whom to divulge his innermost feelings on his travel requirement for work, where does that leave him? 

In the cold, that's where. 

I incorrectly viewed my husband's travel as get-away experiences, sight-seeing and enjoying new places and customs.  He shared photographs and stories that, to me, affirmed these views, neglecting to add that he felt lonely or insecure or disgruntled while on the road.  Men.  Show no weakness.  He did not lean on me, and, stubbornly, I did not lean on him because I lacked understanding of his real situation, and also because I knew that showing him need or weakness added more stress to his already tightly-wound life. 


Checking the Emotional Baggage of Pre-Travel Stress

In the past several years, we have found that it easier to check the emotions involved in this business travel life than to lug them in a carry-on bag and keep them tucked away, taking up space needed for other thoughts and feelings that benefit our relationship.  Knowing negative feelings reside in the bag feels like bringing banned items into an airport ... undesirable, guilt-ridden, uncomfortable, scrutinized and insecure.

Similar to airport security's mission, we have marriage security at stake here, and scanning the contents of our hearts and minds and intently searching through our feelings to share what's really inside gives way to truth and trust.  Once we establish those bonds and keep checking them regularly, we get into a rhythm and everything runs smoothly.

If you throw an unknown into the bag and don't reveal it, the conveyor stops and further investigation takes place -- this leaves a husband and wife doubtful about that forced disclosure as well as about what else might rest in the bag.  Marriage needs total transparency to have complete trust.  Anything that feels tucked into a pocket or disguised in different packaging will raise red flags and cause distrust that will lead to even greater stress for both spouses.

Up-end the mixed bag of feelings you both have collected due to living this kind of life.   Don't let things go until you meet with a forced search and dramatic commotion over supposition and possibility.  Share what you're carrying and you'll find peace of mind, deep trust and devotion, and greater intimacy.


The Send-Off

My business traveler husband will never love what he does, taking to the skies or hitting the highway.  I can either bar him from working out those feelings, thereby creating emotional distance aside from the obvious physical distance from the travel itself, or I can help unload them and label them so that he can move forward feeling heard, respected, loved, dearly missed, and greatly anticipated at the end of his travels.

After sharing the stresses that come from preparing for travel, a husband and wife should make a great effort to plan for the homecoming experience, too. 

- share your yearning for his presence, and your anticipation for his arrival home
- create a count-down on the calendar for each trip and display it for him to see
- plan a homecoming celebration and hint to him about it
- tuck a greeting card or a note into his bag to find upon his arrival at the hotel
- text him and e-mail him, letting him know he is on your mind and in your heart
- ask him to call when he can or use a Facetime or Skype application on your Smart Phone or computer to aid in face-to-face communication

When you begin to practice looking forward to being together again, the stress of each trip still comes out, but you begin to gain more control of it.  Some travels produce more stress than others, so it makes sense to gauge stress and the need to vent or discuss it from trip to trip.  One method of handling the pre-trip jitters and upheaval will not fit every travel situation.

The most important thing is to pray for peace, guidance, strength and grace for both of you as the plans progress, and create some patterns with room for surprises as the departure date nears.  Surprise him with a special dessert, a short outing around town, or a stroll in the park, giving him some unexpected time to unwind with a something to divert his attention.

Mother's Day Moment

Relaxing in the front seat of the car as freshly-turned fields rolled past the passenger window and the late afternoon sun beamed on us with a false sense of warmth on a mid-May day, our son said,

"Thank you for spending your Mother's Day at my soccer game, Mom."

I replied, "I don't know a better way to spend it, buddy."

Win.

Taking Mother's Day for Granted

Hello, Moms!

This coming Sunday is the Superbowl of Mom-dom.  Motherhood's yearly crescendo.  The day we say doesn't matter all that much, but crushes us when our offspring (or our husbands) take our word for it.

We have hopes for Mother's Day, all of us, whether we feel like admitting it or not.  We can deny those little prickles of envy over the moms we know who will find themselves lavished with small gifts, cute child-drawn cards, lovely brunches, doting (and well-behaved) children and hovering husbands.

I have to say, I take for granted that Mother's Day will pan out for me in ways I don't expect.  I have no list of wants or hopes, but I have hope for a vision of a perfect day that I cannot describe.  I can feel it, but have no words for it.  I suppose the best way to say it is that I want to think my kids will hone in on the simplicity of the day and simply do some small but meaningful things for me that I would normally do for them.

But, unless driven -- at least to keep up the momentum -- by their dad, they don't step up to the plate.

From their point of experience, what do I show them?  That I get up every morning to pack their lunches for school, follow them up to bed every night to tuck them in and make sure all is right in their emotional, physical, social and spiritual world.  I counsel them, instruct them, nurse them, cook and clean for them, chauffeur them, wait for them, discipline them, hope and dream for them, pray for them, love them, guide them, make mistakes in front of them and apologize to them when I do.

I admit, I have dropped the Motherhood Ball sometimes, which, for most mothers, looks and feels more like a medicine ball than anything a normal person can toss around easily.  By handling the big, unwieldy, hard-to-balance blur called "motherhood", and without making a big deal about the details, woes and worries of it every day, I have given them an example of selflessness without even knowing it.

We mothers have made mothering appear natural, normal, and ... well ... easy.  In the eyes of our children, what does a day of pampering and relaxation mean?  For what?  She's our MOM!  This is what she does right?  Isn't this what happens?

In other words, they don't think to honor us because we're just doing what they think comes natural.  We make it appear simple, quick and painless.  And we get to yell on occasion (not recommended behavior) without getting into trouble.

To my children, I have it made.  I'm living The Life.  They, on the other hand,  have to go to school every day and then try to avoid doing chores once they arrive home.  Oh, and feel bored.   I appear to take it all in stride, always have something to do that I seem to enjoy, get the basics accomplished and not require any maintenance.  

Therefore, when my husband throws the pitches about Mother's Day coming up soon, giving them plenty of time to develop a game plan and hone a few skills for the Big Day, they simply don't really get what they're supposed to be celebrating ... or, maybe more accurately, being gently coerced (aka "lovingly forced") to celebrate.

We all take Mother's Day for granted.  I take for granted that they notice what I do for them, that they feel my support and love, and that it makes a difference in their lives.

And it does -- and they show me all the time, just not on the one day they're supposed to do it joyfully and with gusto.

On any given day, they honor me by:

- collapsing into my arms to cry when they've been hurt, letting me know I comfort them
- jump-hugging me when I prepare their favorite foods, because I know their preferences
- smiling shyly when they have a great piece of artwork from school to show me, letting me know they respect my opinion
- fighting openly and to the point of pain together, letting me know they need me to care, to break it up, and to offer wisdom and discipline which they can't yet muster
- telling me their painful moments from the day, letting me know they trust me to listen and to offer advice
- asking me questions about faith and about God, letting me know they see me as a godly mom

They do all sorts of nifty things over the course of a day, week, month or year, and have accomplished millions of mom-honoring moments in their short lifetimes.

As for what our children take for granted?  Everything.  I do "Mom" every day.  It's my job, it's my lot in life, it's my God-given responsibility and ministry.  I will never stop being their mom.  It's all they have ever known and all they will know, even when I have passed from this earth.

Really, when I think about it, they don't take me for granted.  They depend on me.  Moms are comfort and discipline, order and organized chaos, hope, love, healers, encouragers, dreamers for their future and the one person in their lives who won't ever turn away, purposefully hurt them, or deny them guidance when they ask for it.

I read once that parents are like God to children.  When they're small, we know everything and can do anything.  They witness all of it, and they admire us by mirroring our behavior.  Small children celebrate well ... a simple scribble on a piece of construction paper suffices as a love-engraved example of a Mother's Day card, and we cherish it.  All our children need in those years is the idea that today is special for Mom, and we accept the card, a tilting and spilling bowl of cereal and some jelly-smeared toast, and feel elated.  We feel fulfilled by those short, heart-filled moments.  We know we exist as our child(ren)'s world.

As our children grow, they begin to realize our imperfection, find our faults, and mirror the behavior of others they admire differently.  We moms don't always take this well.  It's at these growing and maturing times of life, somewhere around 9 or 10 years of age, that we fall off the pedestal our kids have erected in our honor.

We are people, and we aren't always good at it.  And now, they know it.

Do they quit wanting to celebrate us?  Not exactly.  They quit wanting to make a spectacle, to be "cute" and to create an artistic card when they don't feel very Picasso but more like an Ink Blot.  They quit wanting to be guided so much, needing to have someone plan for them and help carry out the plan to the point that they weren't all that much involved anyway.

So this year, I have learned that:

1.  I will accept what they give, because they are giving themselves, not a parentally-manufactured rendition of childlike giving.
2.  I will cherish the moments every day in which they come to me, lean on me, ask of me, and rely on me as honor greater than flying banners or grand parades.
3.  I will see them as followers on the same path I walk, toward God rather than toward castles in the sand here on earth -- and that they will learn how to honor others by the way that I honor others.

As for my children, they have the honoring thing down pretty well.  I have watched my daughter make a Christmas gift for a teacher she has learned to respect and appreciate when no one else does, and learn that she rendered him speechless when giving her gift.  I have picked up my son from school when he felt sick and delivered him to my parents' home at his request ... because he likes it there.  I have watched both of our children run to their relatives, friends, parents of friends, teachers and even the bullies at school to greet them with joy and warmth.

I have seen the Glory.  I receive all the honor I need through the everyday actions of our children.

I am Mom ... watch me puddle up.